Sophia’s Giant Rant!

Let me tell you. I really detest my brother… Clarence! Well, I know he has autism and all that, but he’s only a little bit autistic – he’s quite cleaver really, with his musical knowledge and brilliant maths skills. But don’t let him know I told you that, will you.

Oh, why did he have to be born into our family? If it wasn’t for him my life would be absolutely perfect! Now, where do I start?
(Touching chin)

Hmm…Yes, so why can’t I play on my violin? I need to practice!
(Annoyed face shrugging)

I know I can get a little bit squeaky, but I’ve only just started learning! What does he expect? To play like Venessa Mae from the very start? It takes time to become a top-class violinist! Huh! Anyway, sometimes he’s not at home for a couple of weekends throughout the year because of his orchestra group, which is great. But a few months ago during the February half term break he was away for five days!
(Happy face)

Yep, he was at Jason Hanson’s farmhouse! Well, what I can say? Hmm, on one hand I had the most brilliant time playing lots on my violin and had no family arguments whatsoever. But on the other hand, hmm, not so good, because I had to take Topsy out for her daily walks! Oh well. Oh yes, and when he got back home, he was telling me all about it.

So, he had to help Jason feed the animals and do all the mucking out. But the best thing for me was that he had to get up about half six in the morning to do it! It was so hilarious listening to him moaning away for hours on end.

So of course I couldn’t just keep this to myself could I? Anyway, talking about time, why does he have to take so long in the upstairs bathroom? And why always on a school day of all days?
(Annoyed face and shrugging)

I’m sure he only does it to annoy me. Now talking about half term breaks, so on this year’s Good Friday – Dad, Mum, Clarence and I were all enjoying Mum’s lovely home-made hot cross buns whilst we waited for Claudia to arrive from Truro, but she cancelled on us and came home the next day instead. So, Clarence decided to eat her hot cross buns too! I mean the cheek! Mum wasn’t happy. The conversation went something like this.
(High, soft voice)

“How dare you eat Claudia’s hot cross buns? They could’ve had been kept for her. I’ll have to bake some more now; you know how Claudia loves her hot cross buns.”
(Deep voice)

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t think of that.”
“Hmm… yes, Clarence, that’s your problem: you never think sometimes.”

Good on you Mum! Ah yes, now about travelling, what is it with Clarence and his blinking road map? I don’t get it!
So the other day he’d asked me.
(Deep voice)

“Sophia, have you seen my road map? I always keep it in the bottom drawer of my wardrobe.”
I suggested he should just go and Google it instead, like normal people do. Then he slammed the door and went upstairs. He eventually found it sprawled out under his bed, how on earth did that happen? I wonder.
(Smug face and shrugging)

Oh, yes and with Clarence it’s always me, me, me. Like for instance, a few weeks ago Claudia was here she was very upset because she’d just split up with her boyfriend…Brad Wilcox. So there I was consoling her in the lounge with my Westlife CD playing in the background when suddenly he just came in and said.
(Deep voice)

“So how did you find out about him being gay then?” I mean how pathetic and insensitive can anyone be? Then after that he just started saying.
(Deep voice)

“May the force be wi….”
But before he could finish his sentence Claudia butted in saying,
(Older girls voice)

“And you’re not a famous actor from Star Wars.”
Then he started putting his right arm out and started pretending to be a Dalek saying.
(Dalek voice)

“Exterminate the Doctor, exterminate, exterminate, exterminate!!!!
(Annoyed face and shrugging)

I suggested why couldn’t he just go to his bedroom and exterminate a few of his Lego toys instead? And if he didn’t leave us alone I would tell my mates about his silly little polar bear….Polo and how he cuddles up to him in bed every night. Then grabbing hold of his arm I marched him out and slammed the door behind me. And guess what he shouted back? It was something like.
(Deep voice)

“Sophia! You’re such a naughty person, I’m now putting my hands over my ears so I can’t listen to you. You’re being very rude to me! And you’d better not tell all your mates about Polo either, he’s very precious to me! I’ve had him ever since I was a baby! You know that!”

Well, I told him if he didn’t go away then he’ll know what’ll happen. Then he shouted.
(Deep voice)

“When I’m acting out my TV films and programmes, it always makes me feel good!”
Then he went stomping upstairs. See what I mean?
(Annoyed face and Shrugging)

In any case, I’m now going to tell you about my two best mates Zoe McKenzie and Kylie Pankhurst. Right, for some strange Zoe really fancies him. Like for instance a few weeks ago I’d invited her over to play Wii Tennis, so there we were in the lounge having a great time, when he just came in and started complaining about how we were playing. And there she was – flashing her eyes and smiling away at him, unbelievable! At least Kylie doesn’t fancy him….she’s only interested in Zoe’s older brother… Ben. Oh, yes, I’m getting really excited, what about you may ask? Well, on the second of August it’s going to be my TENTH BIRTHDAY! Yep! That’s only three days away!
(Rubbing hands)

So, it’ll be a day out at Alton Towers with Mum, Zoe and Kylie. I can’t wait to go, I’ll be going on the Nemesis, the log floom, the black hole, the ghost train ….

(A knock is heard on the bedroom door, Mum opens bedroom door)

Sophia darling, can I have a word?

(Turning head to face Mum and stay there until the end of conversation)
Yes, Mum what is it?

(Enter Mum)
It’s about your birthday.


Well, I’m afraid Clarence has just gone and invited James and Ben to come with us to Alton Towers. Look I’m very sorry about this, I’ll make it up to you next year, I promise.

(Turning head back round to face the camera with big aggressive eyes, then slowly look upwards and start screaming)

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